Never gonna happen

I'm in the habit of planning out and scripting my responses to horrible and unlikely scenarios, so that I get to look witty and cool should they ever happen. Here's one I'd like to share entitled, "The only way my crappy p.o.s. Craigslist special car could ever save the day."

me: *Stop for red light*
thug: *steps up to window* Getoutofthefucking car!
me: ...What? (can't be too witty, it'd break the fourth wall on the narrative)
thug: Get out of the car, and don't try anything!
me: So your plan is to rob me, and then drive away in this... thing? *lets off the gas and allows the car to sputter and stall due to its rain-soaked spark plugs and overambitious zero lb-ft load*
me: My advice is you go back in that alley and wait for a car worth stealing
thug: Don't fuck with me, man, just get out! *goes to open door, looks confused*
me: Yeah, that handle's busted. Look, man, you want my wallet or something? I mean, there's no cash or credit in there, but you can amuse yourself, as I often have, looking through all the papers telling me how much I'll need to make to have no money.
thug: whatever, just get out of here, loser
me: ... Actually, it's been quite a few seconds standing here with the radio powered. Think I could get a push as far as that downgrade up ahead?
thug: Fuckin hell, dude. Look, I already lifted a couple wallets today, and a few of them actually had money in them. I'll split it with you if you promise not to come around here again till you get that shit fixed...